Isn’t it ironic how we can have thousands and millions of online “friends” and followers but still feel a pervasive sense of alienation, depression and loneliness? My last blog post offered a tribute to Anthony Bourdain and also a wakeup call for increased awareness to mental health issues. Similarly, today’s blog will not only examine some signs, research, and resources on what to do when you or someone else is suffering from loneliness, but it will also offer insights on how travel can assist you in filling this void. Of course travel isn’t a substitute for identifying the internal struggles that we grapple with, but it is suggested that the benefits experienced can assist us in honing in on the inner conflicts we face. Are you ready to examine your “parts unknown” for better happiness and health? Well lets get it started!

Reflections from Parts Unknown

As mentioned in my former post “Conquering Within: Why Travelling the World Won’t Always Dodge Your Problems or Foster Long-term Happiness” , I briefly provided a synopsis of my self-proclaimed fan girl status for the beloved Tony Bourdain. Afterwards, I was prompted to dig a little deeper and I began reviewing former episodes to determine if there were any obvious red flags about Bourdain’s suicidal ideations. While I cannot bring him back, I can definitely use his life and legacy to help others to explore their own “parts unknown” as far as mental health goes.

Don’t’ Cry for Me, Argentina: Warning Signs?

There are many episodes of Parts Unknown that will forever remain a classic, but one of the most interesting in my opinion and so closely related to what we’ve been discussing on the “Baggage Blog” is the Argentinian episode. During this particular segment Bourdain confessed to a therapist that he would go into stages of deep depression for extended periods of time. These slumps weren’t cited as being brought on by some traumatic life experience or prompted by external circumstances, but instead anything could serve as a trigger. He divulged that there are times that he is seated at a restaurant eating a hamburger and all of a sudden he becomes sad. In his own words he said this: “It’s crushingly lonely. I travel over 200 days a year. I’d like to be happy. I’d like to be happier. I should be happy –I have incredible luck. I’d like to be able to look out of the window and say my life is good.”

Take a moment right now and imagine that you have the opportunity to travel anywhere in the world that you desire, 200 days a year for FREE. On top of that you get paid to do it. How many people do you believe would leap at this opportunity? If this was your reality would you think that your life is good? I mean, what would there even be for you to be sad about, right?

Glorification of the Travel Lifestyle in 2019

Reflecting upon Bourdain’s words I personally had to initiate a conscious interrupt, because today we live in a society where bloggers and millennials glorify this so called “travel lifestyle.” They toot this philosophy all over social media as if it is the ultimate key to happiness, but my research on Bourdain and even my own personal experiences led me down a different path. Travel provides you with so much value, knowledge and perspective. What it does not function as is a savior for your life and loneliness.

It is my belief that we tend to covet what it is that we do not have, believing that if we are able to attain it, then it would solve all of our problems. Unfortunately, the things that we crave are almost always external – money, material possessions, beauty, and even travel. Conversely the internal areas are what require the most attention: our fears, failures, insecurities, inadequacies, psychological state and yes, even loneliness.

Thought-provoking Therapy: Becoming Aware of Loneliness

I too have wrestled with loneliness in my own life. One of the exercises that my therapist has me partake in at the beginning of every session is to take a bag of blocks and select the ones that describe how I am feeling that day. Each block has an adjective on it and there are a variety of descriptive terms that cover a range of emotions and temperaments. I can recall several months ago sitting down and completing this exercise upon arrival and I pulled out the block labeled “lonely.” Of course I had to explain what I meant by this and I said “I feel lonely because I’m single. Because I don’t have a man in my life who loves and cares about me.” After all, this is exactly how I was feeling at the time and why I believed I was experiencing this void.

After I provided my explanation my therapist responded by saying, “what makes you think that if you were in a relationship or married you wouldn’t be lonely?” As a woman who almost always has a response for everything, I was caught off guard by her question and honestly at a complete loss for words. I hadn’t ever taken the time to consider being in a relationship and still being lonely. This was an indication that I needed to do more introspective work on what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I also could not expect another person to cure my sense of loneliness for me. That is a recipe for dysfunction at its finest. I know that now.

Gleaning from Bourdain’s Insights

Bourdain spoke so candidly about his own unhappiness and that despite all of the good that many others and I witnessed; he did not believe that his life was good. To be honest, his opinion is the only one that mattered as it relates to his story. Similarly, when it comes to your life, happiness and success your opinion is the only one that matters, too. Travelling for him as a career caused a deep sense of alienation that he later shrugged off as casualties of living a privileged life. How often have you felt something deep inside, a feeling of uneasiness, but you later brushed it off because consciously you felt like you did not deserve to feel that way? I have done this many times before, but this is actually our internal GPS alerting us that something is off. Begin to pay attention to the verbal signs, facial expressions, body language, and other nonverbal cues that can be some indication that you or someone you know is suffering on the inside.

Your Perception is Your Reality: Perceived Isolation

“The eyes only see what the mind is prepared to comprehend.” - Henri Bergson

The late Dr. John Cacioppo, founder of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, devoted his life’s work to disinterring the causes and effects of loneliness. Without getting too lab coat and clinical on you, in his book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection he postulates that “loneliness affects one in four people and increases the chances of early death by 20%. Moreover, his findings suggest that human beings desire social connections because our brains are conditioned that way. When those connections are perceived by the individual as being absent (whether they are actually absent or not), it leads the brain to begin processing perceived isolation. This is another term for loneliness. Dr. Cacioppo states that loneliness is both contagious and heritable meaning that others can project it on to us and we can project it on to others.

Exploring Your Own Parts Unknown: Battling Inner Conflicts and Loneliness

While this blog post may have presented some new information that you weren’t aware of, the one commonality I’m sure we all share is that we have experienced loneliness at some point in our lives. Since we are all in this boat together, I would like to provide some useful strategies on how to “cure” your loneliness and begin to thrive in every aspect of your life.

Focus on YOU. Let’s talk about SELF baby, let’s talk about you and me! If your mind wandered to the original song by Salt-N-Pepa I need you to get your mind out of the gutter. Instead use it to spend as much time as you can reflecting on yourself. Your thoughts, behavior, actions and perceptions of other human behavior are all vitally important to your process of ridding those feelings of self-loathing and loneliness.

Therapy is the real chicken soup for the soul. You may have realized by now that I am a huge advocate for therapy (I’m an Industrial Organizational Psychologist), and I believe that it can reveal some of the blind spots in our lives. The same way that a bowl of soup is comforting on a cold day, therapy functions similarly in not only providing us with comfort through our struggles, but also curving our appetite for destructive, counter-productive behaviors. At the very least it will make you more aware of them.

Friends vs. Confidants. ”Friends, how many of us have them?” It’s great if you have a well-rounded group of people that you can depend on. However, Dr. Cacioppo suggests that smaller social circles are actually better, but in addition to those connections, it’s important to have a confidant that you can talk to. His research results revealed that 25% of Americans stated that they did not have a single confidant in their lives. If you haven’t already done so, identify someone in your life who you can trust and confide in. For me, that person is my older and much wiser sister DaShawn. She is the person who I can confide in about anything without fear of judgment.

Additionally, if you’re anything like me your therapist gives you all of the bestie feels, and is someone you trust in disclosing your intimate thoughts and feelings . However, Cacioppo warns that while your therapist serves as an excellent resource, s/he cannot be your confidant because the relationship is not entirely reciprocal.

Establish Healthy Relationships. Another effective way to mitigate loneliness is by engaging in reciprocal connections. When relationships, romantic or otherwise are one-sided it can leave you feeling like you received the short end of the stick. Revaluate your relationships and ask yourself this simple question: Is this relationship helping me grow in some way? If the answer is no that relationship may be expired and it’s time to move on.

Human behavior. Professionally I have studied human behavior so now it is just something that I am conditioned to observe. Even if you haven’t dabbled in studying behavioral or social science, I believe that it would be beneficial to not only read literature on these areas, but also begin to observe your interactions with others more intentionally to understand your responses to various situations.

Demonstrate Kindness. That age old saying that “a little bit of kindness goes a long way” still rings true. Demonstrating kindness by being friendly, generous, showing others respect and being considerate allows us to connect with others and build stronger relationships.

Gratitude and Beauty. Keep a gratitude log, notebook, jar or scrapbook. Emulate Bourdain as he could find beauty — and something good to eat — literally anywhere. This is one of his legacies and maybe the main reason we loved him so. He didn’t preach the gospel of open-mindedness. He practiced it.

How can you recognize the beauty in your everyday life?

Travel More. While it is not a cure all, stepping outside of your comfort zone and exploring locally and abroad is great for your overall mental health. Travelling offers the opportunity for you to interact with people you wouldn’t normally meet, thus building stronger social connections for yourself and reprogramming your brain to connectivity and community.

Travel more.

Never thought that I would run into an Italian New Orleans Saints Football fan in Italy. Connecting with total strangers abroad is probably one of my favorite aspects of international travel.
It’s also almost football season so #WhoDat!

The Wrap-up

In summation, no one has all of the answers and no one knows all of the questions that life will bring our way. But in all of that uncertainty we can trust that the destination will be informed by the journey itself. Travel is one of the ways that I’ve found as an outlet to explore my own “parts unknown” and to combat loneliness. I encourage you to begin or continue to explore yours by utilizing the tips provided here for better health, happiness and success. Thank you for reading.

References:

Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2009). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

Details and tips about my travels in this post:

· Location: Milan, Italy

· Highlight: Duomo di Milano

· Travel Tip: Visiting landmarks and attractions are always better early in the morning.

What’s one way that you plan to explore your own “parts unknown” this week? Tell me in the comments below.

Loneliness: A Global Epidemic